on the harder days

Thursday, February 1, 2018

You know what really stinks? The beginning of this post is fueled by the fact that I didn't wear makeup today. Why should that be revolutionary in any way? And it's not that I didn't have time to put on makeup this morning, or because I was feeling especially lazy, but because I didn't feel the need to. I looked in the mirror this morning and thought, "wow, you're looking good today, you are enough."
What a rare thought to have, amiright ladies? Truly and entirely believing that what you're seeing is good enough without any alteration or any enhancement is like the unicorn of self-confidence.
And let me tell you, it feels good.

Unfortunately that was short-lived.

Doubts about my future, about abilities, about my self-worth, about my choices, about my entire life starting creeping into my day, staining my mood and my attitude more and more until I was drowning in a sea of anxiety and bitterness. All of the good self-confidence went out the door and what I was seeing the mirror was starting to lose its luster too.

For the last two months I've been working on building up my self-confidence and my self-worth, soaking up the love and Truth God has to offer me. Confidence in every part of who I am, from the way I look to who I am, is something I've struggled with for a long, long time. I have always misplaced my worth in things from how many likes I get on Instagram to how many friends I have to whether boys like me or not. Of course, they've all failed me in one way or another and I once again fall to try to build myself up again.

But then came God.

This time around, I built myself up with God, finding my identity in Christ. Boy, does the joy and confidence feel so much different, much more joyful, much more sustainable.
But much more dangerous.
Spiritual warfare is real, and as I've learned as I grow closer to God, is that there is an enemy that wants to take us all down and lead us away from God, to pull us away, to lie to us and trick us into believing that we're all alone and worthless. 

The closer I've grown to God, the harder the enemy has had to work. The more I'm aware of his schemes, the trickier he gets. 

And there are days when the worthlessness sets in, the anxiety takes over, the dark thoughts cloud my heart and mind. 

But the beauty of it all is that God still fights for us. While I may be having a bad day, He still fights for my heart so that tomorrow He's feels just a little bit closer than before. He is here to remind me to keep my eyes on Him and He will pull me through to the other side where I can be refilled with His love and joy and peace.

The hard days will never be over and done with, but there is new strength to get to the other side, to dwell in confidence as I was meant to. 

with love,